Have you ever been in situations where you know you deal with things be on your own? From my vivid memories, I started to play more by myself when my mum and dad was separated. 

One time, I got into big trouble, where a kid accused me of hitting her.

Her dad immediately shouted at me, at that time, I know that I cannot back off. So I hold my breath, grabbing the floor as hard as I can, and stare blankly at him. It was a terrifying experience knowing that your parents are not here to back you up. Eventually, he was gone. 

Since then, my body was implanted with the message that “People would run over you if they know you don’t have a parent.”

The exact response repeated when people come at me in my teenage years. I also found myself pretending to be rich in front of people without really knowing the reason why my response is like this. 

My head, chest, belly and heart were all aching & burning from the exhaustion of muscle contraction. My body keeps myself inflated so that I didn’t flinch in front of the overwhelming waves of confrontation. 

It takes intentional looping, reorientations of the senses, love and non-judgmental presence and of course the loving presence of a friend to the body to deconstruct the layers of defense mechanism. 

And there goes my second time of intentional focusing when such experience come out of nowhere. I’m grateful that for the training I received which allowed me to come to release most of the traumatic energy. 

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